this is the monkey story.... many of you wouldn't understand, but some do.... THERE IS A METHOD TO MY MADNESS...

july 19th, my mom, my stepdad, and i moved to clover hill.... which is DIRECTLY behind fort detrick.... after we moved there, i found out from danny that they test aids and shit like that on munkies there and when they are finished with them, they give them a lethal injection and BURN THEM. and not only do they burn them, IT SMELLS LIKE MASHED POTATOES.... and i love mashed potatoes. so one day my mom and i are driving to school and i smell mashed potatoes... i swear to god a munkie is going to escape one day and sodomize me.... and to make it worse, my neighborhood doesnt have street lights, so walking around in the dark out side the hosue scares the shit out of me. and when its cold, the white stuff on the ground is NOT frost... its just munky brains. one of these days i am going to go on the sally show and reveal the deep dark government secret of fort detrick.... if i suddenly disapear for putting this on my little thing... YOU KNOW WHY....

i like monkeys

the pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. i thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand. i decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so i bought 200 of them. i like monkeys.

i took my 200 monkeys home. i have a big car. i let one drive. his name was signund. he was retarded. in fact, none of them were really bright. they kept punching themselves in the genitals. i laughed. they punched me in the genitals. i stopped laughing.

i herded them into my room. they didn't adapt very well to their new environment. they would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. altough humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into the third hour.

two hours later, i found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. no apparent reason. they all just stort of dropped dead. kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. doggone cheap monkeys.

i didnt' know what to do. there were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. it looked like i had 200 throw rugs. i tried to flush one down the toilet. it didn't work. it got stuck. then i had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

i tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. that worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. it started to smell real bad.

i had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and i didn't want to call the plumber..i was embarrassed.

i tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. unfortunately, there was only enough room for two at a time, so i had to change them every 30 seconds. i also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

i tried to burn them, but little did i know that my bed was flammable. i had to extinguish the fire.

then i had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet; two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. the odor wasn't improving.

i became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and i really had to use the bathroom. so i went and severely beat one of the monkeys. i felt better.

i tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. i told him i had a wet one. he wouldn't take it either. i didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

i finally arrived at a solution. i gave them out as christmas gifts. my friends didn't quite know what to say. they pretended to like them, but i could tell they were lying. ingrates. so i punched them in the genitals.

i like monkeys.